Or maybe I was just overdue to get so mad that I cried.
Whatever.
I have become an unhappy and miserable person who has been unable to be kind and generous to other people in the past two weeks. And I'm NOT pleased by that.
Thank God I sing a song called "All of Me" that has an entire finale/riff/free section where I get to do whatever I want with the lyrics "You took the part that used to be my heart, so why not take all of me?"
Because this actor needed some therapy today and decided to take it out on an unsuspecting crowd of 1489 Japanese people.
And the best part is, I was completely justified (especially as an actor) in my choices and cannot be given a legitimate note, even if they were actually brave enough to do so.
And damn, it felt good.
The ironic thing is, despite all the conversations, negotiations, arguments, and fights that have happened in the past two weeks, it wasn't until I was so mad that I was crying and visibly upset during sound check that the Japanese suddenly were worried about me. I could sing Big Band beat 15 shows a day and they wouldn't care, unless tears or steam started coming out of my head.
Nonetheless, I am a professional and did my show with full energy and a Disney smile. Until I pointed at the booth and accusatorily shouted "YOU" at the top of the coda.
Yet, as I said before, I was merely making a STRONG acting choice that is justified by the music and the lyrics and the direction, the latter of which there was none.
So.
Now I feel better. And I'm thrilled by that prospect.
Because I always see the big picture and I always see the long-term reasoning behind daily actions. Which, in this case, caused me to lose my brain, lose my shit, and be miserable for about 2 weeks.
And now, though not perfect, I feel better. Which is a necessity since I'm going on vacation in 2 DAYS! And I surely don't want to be constantly analyzing the pit of destruction that is our current work schedule.
So I'm going to attempt to just suck it up and deal with it. Not that that worked for the last 5 months (clearly). But I don't really have a lot of other options.
I've called bullshit. I've cried. I've tried to reason with unreasonable people in every way I can. I can see the solution, but I can't change other people. So in the end, I can't win.
But I surely can take out my aggression onstage.
Thank God for motivation.
